The wife………………………..

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.

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    The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her
part.

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   My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.

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    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.

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    After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
 I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

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    I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
 I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

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    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

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    My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!  As I walked out the front
door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
 "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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