Thursday, October 27, 2011

Is this all good?

“McDonald's to build world's first fast food superconducting super collider”

10/17/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - McDonald's Corporation filed the last of their paperwork this morning to build the world's first superconducting super collider aimed specifically at developing new fast food products. The burger giant claims their lobbying efforts allowed them to surpass numerous laws from the FDA, EPA, SEC, and various other 3-letter acronym agencies, and believes their experiments with the device will “lead to promising new methods of getting uncomfortably pudgy.”

“There are only so many ways you can cook bacon in a traditional sense,” explained McDonald's CEO James Skinner. “We've put bacon in every sandwich and soft drink we've ever sold, but eventually, it all got pretty old, and it didn't help that all of our competitors started using bacon. Our R&D people suggested we simply double our bacon output, but after careful research, we realized there were better ways of getting that sweet, sweet pig meat into every product we sell.”

The company plans to use the super collider to smash bacon particles into beef particles at the sub-atomic level, tripling the cholesterol and quadrupling the deliciousness. If their experiments prove successful, McDonald's will be the first fast food chain to use rare scientific equipment for the purpose of making food less healthy, since top-tier rival Wendy's first started using yellow cake uranium as a key ingredient in their Frosty desserts, knowing that most people dip their french fries in them to create a natural-occurring potassium iodide compound, which allows for the safe digestion of their terrible, toxic food.

This is not, however, the first foray into the world of science for McDonald's. In 2007, they attempted to clone an Arizona employee named Carlos when they realized he was willing to work for less than minimum wage, though the strange two-headed monster that emerged from the lab was “better suited for mincing,” according to lab documents, and was later used in 2010 when the company temporarily brought back their popular cult-classic McRib sandwich at the national level for a few weeks.

Several GOP candidates have praised McDonald's efforts since their announcement earlier today. “This really goes to show – courtesy flush! – just how innovative American corporations are,” said Mitt Romney, speaking through a bathroom stall door in a highway rest stop somewhere in North Carolina. “Companies like McDonald's are really paving the way toward a better and brighter tomorrow. And maybe if I ate there instead of Taco Bell, I wouldn't have been stuck in the john for the past hour. Hey bub, can you pass the TP? No, the toilet paper, not the Tea Party! Yeesh!”

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